This Alice in Wonderland Feeling

It’s been 3 days since my surgery and I am recovering well. I’m sore of course and still easily tired, but it’s all manageable. There’s something new to occupy my mind tonight however. Surgical menopause.

It’s strange, but the entire time I was trying to decide whether or not to have a hysterectomy, I completely ignored the very strong possibility that I would end up with an oophorectomy. I know. I didn’t know what that meant either until just a few weeks ago. It refers to the surgical removal of your ovaries. It turns out this is a really big deal, because your ovaries produce your hormones and your hormones basically determine whether or not you will be able to get out of bed and face the world on any given day.

It’s not really that I ignored it. It’s just that I decided to focus on one issue at a time, and so I focused on the hysterectomy question first. I assumed I would face the surgical menopause question if and when it presented itself. It has presented itself and today it has my full attention.

My doctor said I would begin experiencing hot flashes by Sunday. I’ve yet to have one, but my emotions have swung all over the place and I’ve been having the strangest sense of proportion. Almost hallucinogenic. Off and on today I’ve felt much too big, and then much too small in relation to the things around me. I thought I might give it a few days without replacement hormones, just to see what it was like, but this first day alone has been enough to erase that notion. I feel like I’m walking around in an Alice in Wonderland body and am not thinking it is all that much fun.

Tonight I’ve been surfing the web trying to soak up as much as I can about the effects of and treatments for surgical menopause.. It’s overwhelming, but thank God for the internet. I’m not sure what women did before it. I just found a blog called “A Survivor’s Guide to Surgical Menopause” and the entire thing is done in pink. I’m not really into pink, but I nearly cried (for the 10th time today) after realizing that it contained the “let’s start at the beginning” information I’ve been looking for, along with 119 bookmarked articles on related topics. God love the women who put this site together.

Which brings me around to the idea that has held all my thoughts together today. When you face a medical crisis, no matter how surrounded you are by loved ones, you face it completely and profoundly alone. My Mom told me she wishes she could take my place, and I know she means it, but no one, no matter how much they love you, can at the end of the day, stand in your shoes, and occupy your skin. It’s just you and your body. It’s incredibly humbling and incredibly empowering - both at the same time.

I’ve rarely felt so alive. And what I’ve noticed over the last few days is that when you feel that alive, your connection with the people in your life knocks up a few notches. Everything seems clearer, more intense, more electric.

I’m not saying I want to walk around with this Alice in Wonderland sense of space or this revolving door of emotions. I don’t like it and will be anxious to get rid of those feelings. I’m talking about the feeling behind the feeling. The sense that this is all real, and alive and connected and therefore that it matters. And I think that is what the women who put the pink site together must have been feeling. Cut the shit. Let’s talk about what matters, let’s connect over what’s important to us. We’re profoundly alive, let’s do something real with that!