Six Months After 9/11

Many of you know I spent several days last week (March 8-11) volunteering at St. Paul’s Chapel near Ground Zero. Thanks to each of you who called or e-mailed before I left or since I’ve been home. I thought it would be easiest to share my experience with you in this way.

I became inspired to go to New York to volunteer at Ground Zero after reading the web journal of another woman who had volunteered for several months at St. Paul’s. (www.hopeinthewilderness.com) After many phone calls and e-mails – I was accepted on the volunteer list. There is no shortage of volunteers – I called at the beginning of February and the first open shifts were the nights of March 8th & 9th.

St. Paul’s Chapel has been around since 1736, and is a NYC historical landmark. George Washington prayed his inaugural prayer there in 1789. Miraculously, the chapel sustained no damage on September 11th and has since become a respite center for fireman, police, EMS, construction and other relief workers. It's been in operation twenty-four hours a day since September 11th serving hot meals and providing a place to rest your head, spend quiet time, or connect with one of the many volunteers and counselors on hand.

I was anxious about flying into New York and about going to Ground Zero. Like many, I’ve had a difficult time dealing with the horror and sadness of September 11th and wasn't sure how I would feel about being there. On the other hand, I’ve had so many positive experiences as the result of that terrible day. Now I look at things differently. I thank God for my many blessings. My eyes are wider. My vision feels clearer.

I went to pay tribute to the city of New York, to the 2,700+ victims of the attack and to the hundreds of workers who have participated in the clean up of the site. I was also hoping to find some closure with regard to my own emotional experience of September 11th.

I arrived at Ground Zero Friday evening to begin the first of two 12-hour night shifts at St. Paul’s. The Ground Zero pit was intensely lit with stadium lighting. After 6 months of clean up, it looked only like a huge construction site. I did see the cross formed by the steel girders. It was lit from below and stood at one side of the site. The buildings all around the pit were badly damaged. One in particular looked as if its skin had simply melted off and slid down the side of the building.

St. Paul’s is directly adjacent to the pit. The iron fence in front of the chapel was covered with memorials. Photos, letters, condolences, and expressions of regret covered every square foot of the 8 ft. high fence. It was absolutely impossible to absorb all that was in front of you. My initial impression was of deep sadness that so many of the memorials were faded. I wanted them to be just as bright and vivid as the lives they memorialized.

Inside the chapel I felt an immediate sense of calm. It was dimly lit and peaceful. Cards and banners from school children around the country and the world covered the walls. I saw cards from children in Prairie Village and a large banner from Xavier School in Leavenworth. Tables were set up around the perimeter of the chapel providing clothing, gear, medical supplies, toiletries, candy & snacks. Hot meals, coffee, tea, bottled water and sodas were always available. Cots and mattresses were laid out upstairs in the balcony so that workers could nap during their breaks. Volunteer chiropractors, podiatrists and massage therapists were there to provide healing and relief. Volunteers (20 per 12 hour shift) sort and stock the supply tables, prepare and serve the food and provide a supportive ear to the workers who come there.

During our orientation, Dennis, our volunteer coordinator, told us that our mission was to provide comfort and respite to the workers. I quickly saw that the greatest need was to simply sit, talk and listen with the workers as they came in during their breaks. I sometimes felt awkward approaching them, but in every instance, found someone who was anxious to talk – and seemed to welcome an attentive listener.

Through my conversation I learned of many losses. Close family, friends, and associates were lost that day. Others lost their homes and their belongings. Many talked of dealing with nightmares or of still feeling afraid at the sound of an airplane overhead. Most said they still startled easily.

It is an honor for these firemen, police, and construction workers to participate in the recovery. Their workday lasts fourteen to sixteen hours, but to them, it's nothing. Nothing compared to the lives lost. Doing this is a catharsis for their pain.

In those few days, I saw many with hollowness in their eyes. Many of the workers have been at Ground Zero nearly every day since Sept 11th. They said it seemed like years rather than months they'd been working there. What affect will this have on them emotionally or physically? It did not seem to matter. The job has to be done. And they want to be the ones to do it.

This disaster produced millions of tons of debris. In the early days after the incident, many wondered how it would be cleared? One of the firemen said the debris had towered as high as eighty feet in the air and now six months later there laid a hole eighty feet deep.

Over 2700 are missing or dead. The recovery of these victims is painstakingly slow. The construction equipment scoops up the debris and places it gently at the feet of waiting firemen and EMS workers who sift through it searching for anything recognizable. The pile is loaded on a truck and barged across the harbor to be sifted again at the local landfill. This process is tedious, but highly efficient. Its purpose is simple. Find anything that can be identified for those loved ones who are waiting for answers. Body parts are still being found. Just this week, several whole bodies were recovered. It is gruesome work, but the identification of a body can provide much needed closure to the mourning families.

As morning came, everyone’s spirits seemed to lift a little. Even though my shift ended at 8 am – I stayed much later on both days. I didn’t want to leave. The morning sunlight – and the fresh shift of workers and volunteers left me feeling happy and hopeful. I can’t really say enough about the way that morning sunlight felt as it streamed through the stained glass of the chapel. It gave the whole place a magical feeling. When we finally left, there were hugs all around and I felt very sad that I would likely never see any of these amazing people again.

In hindsight – I must say that even though I went to New York prepared to do whatever was necessary to support the workers; it felt as though the workers were still there to support us! They greeted us with smiles, hugs and words of wisdom. It was a great honor to meet the men and women who are representing the true spirit of our country!

On Monday, March 11th, I returned home. Monday was the 6-month anniversary. I decided not to go to any of the ceremonies that morning, and my flight left before the beams of light commemorating the towers were lit. Still, I am glad I was in New York on that day.

Since I've been home, I've felt again much of the pain and sadness I experienced after September 11th. I'm quick to tears when someone asks me about my experience. I guess this is just the result of seeing first hand the enormity of what happened. This time however, my sadness is mixed with a sense of awe and respect for the incredible people I met and for the underlying goodness and resiliency of the human spirit.

I experienced the full-scale aspect of this catastrophe in a very small way. My involvement in this event is tiny. Yet it is the small acts of each individual that add up. This microcosm of volunteers and workers along with each individual’s act of kindness proves that Good is greater than Evil.

Just today I learned that St. Paul’s 24-hour relief effort will end after Easter. I feel so honored to have had this opportunity. I saw a quote while I was at St. Paul’s that I think does justice to my experience.

“History laid its arms around me and in response God has graced me with an opportunity to serve.”